You know how restaurants sometimes have those mints you can grab as you walk out the door? As a kid, I thought it was cool. Free candy, you know? Now that I’m an adult, I understand exactly what they are there for.
And you’re the poor sap that ordered something with garlic or onion, and now have a very serious problem.
Good luck with that sales pitch with fumes eking out of your mouth like an episode of SpongeBob.
Thus, restaurants provide mints.
What about when said restaurant does not have mints, but in fact has Dum Dums?
This realization hit me like a truck one day as I left a Mexican restaurant with my colleagues to walk back to the office.
Adulting is putting thought into which Dum Dum flavor you pick.
- Is it going to turn my mouth blue?
- Is it going to make my breath stink?
- I still want it to taste good; does “Mystery Flavor” mean no color on my lips or shitty flavor?
- Do I have any meetings today?
- Do I need to get more than one to share?
- How many calories are in a Dum Dum?
- Wait, are these just for kids?
- Do I look like I can pass for a kid?
Had I been an eleven-year-old spaz, I wouldn’t have thought twice; I would have grabbed a random handful of Dum Dums and merrily skipped out as I stuffed them in my pockets (Aren’t pockets great? My wedding dress had pockets. Many asked why I needed a dress with pockets. My response? “Wouldn’t you want a place to keep all your shit?”).
But I’m an adult now, and I had a very serious decision to make. And the reality was that there was no good selection. I was screwed either way. I’m either stuck with nasty flavor, with a blue or green mouth, or I get nothing and gas out my team with my mouth smells.
I settled on cherry.
Because at least a bright red tongue is more natural-looking than an alien blue tongue.
Or, I could just BUY A FRICKING PACK OF GUM because adults DON’T EAT DUM DUMS!