The Identity Crisis

As I rise to a more advanced level of adulting (you know, like this is a video game or something), I find myself yanked toward a less adult-like view of my life and the direction I should be headed. It’s strange; one would assume my delusions would decrease as I age, but these days they seem more prominent than ever. They are a thriving, twisting essence existing above my mind. I try to reach for them, my fingers nearly grazing the aura around them, but I never quite grasp them at their core.

I have always been a motivated individual. Like most, I am inspired by money to a certain extent. But to a higher degree, I am driven by titles and the perception of success. Paycheck aside, does my title and achievements portray an image of an efficacious adult? This is the mindset that pushed me through grad school and countless interviews for my dream job. This is the point of view through which I strategically mapped a ten-year career path with my company, and this is the vision which has propelled my exceptional work ethic each day.

Knowing these qualities and this drive within myself, I should be craving leadership. I should be after the management position for my team as soon as it opens. I should be meticulously following the plan, ready to play the game, anxious to dive deep in a black lake of politics.

But I am tripping in this spot.

The older I get

The more I write

The more creativity I bring into my role at work

The more I realize I want nothing to do with the political game attached to management in a corporate setting. It’s a toxic, obligatory appendage that could never be amputated, and I don’t think I want it.

And here lies the identity crisis.

There are two things I want more than anything in this world, more than I want to be a leader or a manager.

To write, and to be a mama.

My adult brain is telling me I am supposed to keep pushing my corporate career and become a successful leader…But my heart is screaming to be a successful creator. I fear leadership will offer no room for creation, and this is terrifying me.

Tripping me.

I love my current role, because I get to build something meaningful from scratch. Am I willing to trade that satisfaction for an executive title with a knotted mess of strings attached?

There is an invisible line drawn between passion and profession, and I am dancing on it. Sometimes, we find ourselves believing our passion cannot possibly be our profession. Creative writing completes my soul while the corporate game pays the bills and builds this mirage of success.

​Could passion ever be profession?

Let’s find out. 


Author: Kait_Stan

Aspiring Writer + Novelist

6 thoughts on “The Identity Crisis”

  1. Hmm..such interesting thoughts! I honestly feel like that’s a question we all ask ourselves especially in this day and age, can my passion truly be my profession? I feel like things are changing now and creatives are starting to normalize the idea of making their passion also their profession. But it’s a lot of work and still uncharted territories to climb. The fear of bills and financial stability versus fulfilling your purpose and doing what being your soul satisfaction. That is honestly the true battle of #adulting!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry, hit enter too soon — anyway, I wanted to be a “creator” from the time I was eleven years old, but my anxiety and the real world told me that was impossible. So I suppressed it and got real jobs — all of which I pretty much hated.
    I got back to writing about 4 years ago, and even though I’m not making any money (yet) and it’s not my profession, it’s a HUGE part of my life, and I’m not going to stop going after it.
    On the flip side, I don’t have any type of management or leadership role at my day job, and while I make okay money, it’s not great. For a brief moment I considered throwing myself into that environment, but I decided I didn’t want to waste time and energy doing something I wasn’t passionate about. So. I may be just a peon in my day job but at least it gives me the time and freedom to concentrate on writing outside of work.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know where I stand in terms of writing but I feel the same for now. I have not jumped to a corporate career, but I see myself 2-3 months working with them only. Like you, I don’t want to be dissatisfied with what I do but I ‘m sure many of us feel so. What I will encounter.Well, I don’t know. Fingers crossed and hoping for the best ! All the best to you too 🙂 I ‘m glad at least you found your passion.

    Liked by 1 person

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