Bizarre, Babbling, Bumbling Band of Baboons

Adulting is this bizarre status we all thought we wanted. When we got it, we wanted to return it, but didn’t have the damn gift receipt. If anyone knows where I can exchange adulthood for childhood at the age of 28, please, for the love of God, let me know.

Sometimes, adulthood slowly creeps up on you. Here’s a list of twenty things that tell you that you are, in fact, adulting now. Good fricken luck.

1. Realizing how wrong you were to be in a hurry to grow up.
2. When consuming an entire bottle of wine in one sitting is normal.
3. Realizing boredom is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
4. When you start referring to technological advancement as a “Capitalistic Ploy.”
5. Accepting the frigid reality of having just 2 weeks’ vacation out of a 52-week year.
6. Choosing a movie on Netflix based upon its runtime so that you aren’t up past your bed time.
7. Doing laundry before you run out of clean underwear.
8. When you start referring to the teenagers in the streets as “hooligans.”
9. That moment you’re standing motionless in front of the wall of toilet paper at the grocery store, trying to figure out what the best deal is.
10. That moment you’re standing motionless in front of the wall of toilet paper at the grocery store, because it’s fucking empty thanks to the ‘rona.
11. Having the daily “we have food at home” talk with yourself on the way home from work.
12. When “putting on your big girl panties” is both literal and figurative.
13. When talking to yourself becomes “consulting the expert.”
14. Using adult-like excuses to get out of plans you really regret making.
    • i.e. “Sorry, I can’t make it, I have to meet with my financial planner this afternoon.”
15. Realizing just how wrong you were when you refused to nap as a child.
16. Pretending you don’t have any money so that you can keep your money.
17. Buying a Costco membership.
18. Thrusting your eyes open and panicking at 6 AM when you hear the garbage truck coming down the street.
19. When you regularly use words like “refinance,” “equity,” and “investment.”
20. Developing a professional verbal filter and corresponding dictionary.
    • “Per my last email” = “Bitch, can’t you read?”
    • “I’m fine.” = “Fuck off.”
    • “I would be happy to sign a Non-Disclosure agreement…” = “You can keep your shit.”
    • “I can work with it and see.” = “You don’t know what you’re talking about, but I will make it happen because I’m awesome.”
    • “I will prioritize this.” = “I’ve got so much shit on my plate, but don’t worry, I can make your problems my top priority right now.”
    • “I need to use a sick day.” = “I’m completely healthy and just don’t want to see ya’lls faces today.”
    • “Thanks for that valuable input.” = “STFU.”
    • “Let’s do lunch.” = “Wanna GTFO and talk shit about everyone in this meeting?”
    • “What a creative concept.” = “How far up your ass did you reach for this idea?”
    • “While I appreciate your feedback…” = “Yeah, well, that’s, like, your opinion, Margaret.”
    • “I never thought about that…” = “No one asked you.”
    • “What’s on your plate for today?” = “Get ready, I’m about to drop a bomb on your entire kitchen table.”
    • “I am happy to spearhead this project.” = “Move over, bitch, let me drive.”  
    • “Allow me to process this.” = “Why are you talking to me before I’ve had my coffee?”

Like, follow, and share if you can relate. We don’t know what we’re doing. We’re a bizarre, babbling, bumbling band of baboons trying to figure it all out.

But we’re not alone.

Cheers.

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